An Awful Messenger

Sometimes, I reckon God must be an outright fool for relying on people to be His advocates & to spread the Gospel.

…Can I say that?

I mean, in a way, I get it. People relate to other people. People understand living life in brokenness. But really, most days, I, in no way, feel adequate to be the messenger.

Because the Gospel is the greatest thing someone could ever hear and I am the worst person to tell the story.

Because I can say that in pursuit of Christ, my life looks radically different.

I can tell my friends that following Christ is worth denying the world.

I can proclaim, joy, peace, & hope in a relationship with the Lord.

& some days, maybe even many days, I hope the way I act reflects it.

But more days than I am proud of, my heart looks ugly, my attitude snarky, and my life so unworthy of proclaiming a message so glorious.

While I sit here knowing I live in the aftermath of Christ taking the burden of all my wrongdoings, knowing that my life is covered by grace, and knowing the Lord is working in my life, I cannot help but feeling that sometimes I am the one giving Christians a bad name.

I can’t help but think while I know I should be a friend of outcasts, and sometimes I even think I live that way, there have been multiple times I have seen someone falling to pieces on the outskirts, desperate for a friend, and have turned the other way.

I can’t help but think that if the result of being filled by the Spirit of the Lord is that my life shows love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, I know that on my best day, my life maybe reflects two of those things.

I can’t help but think that while I know living for Christ is worth it, and I can think of intense moments in my life where I have so clearly felt His presence, I can also think of the times when there has been the opportunity to share who Christ is in my life and I have responded dismissively with timidity.

I can’t help but think that I often look a lot less like Christ than I want to. That I often can’t love as much as I wish I could. That often, I run to my comfort zone. That my mind fills with judgment, my heart floods with anger, my words tear down, and my hands hesitate to serve.

& if I’m thinking of this from a marketing standpoint, and I’m looking at who would be the best person to sell this message, 99.9% of the time, I would not nominate myself.

Most of the time, I really, really think, that it is all about me.

& my self-seeking, self-righteous, self-serving self has a really hard time remembering that it is not.

“Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.” -2 Corinthians 3:5-6

If I allow the Lord to actually work in my life, if I just get out of the way and let God move through me, I’m competent in sharing this message of grace, of hope, and of love. Because even though I fall on the wrong side of worthy daily, I know the Lord can still use me.

I don’t really know how I want this post to end.

I’m sorry for the times I haven’t reflected Christ. I’m sorry if in doing that I have ever hurt you, given you reason to doubt, or have made Christ look like a fool.

I know I’m the world’s worst messenger. I pray that despite me, you look past the messenger and give ear to the message.